delightful december

its getting harder to do these posts! but its because its hard to choose which happys to give center stage for the day.

today i choose………living in the woods!!!!!

we live in a small town in maine. i think our towns population is about 6,000+ spread over a gazillion square miles. most of it centered in town -12 miles away.

we have a few neighbors, but we don’t have to see them unless we want to. its quiet. the nearest highway is 15 miles or more away.

a perfect weekend is one where we don’t have to leave the “wink”. this weekend would be one of those.

thankfully the sun is beginning its journey back to us. this pic was taken at 1 pm today. the sun is so low in the southern horizon, it doesn’t even clear the trees.

today was sunny and cold. i think it got up to 30 maybe. it snowed a teeny tiny bit last night. tonight is supposed to be ccccold.

now this is living!

it is a light and fluffy snow-no rain mixed in thank goodness.

this is the first winter with just us two. no cars to clean off because ours fit nicely in the garage-finally!

we just let it howl and snow all day yesterday and stayed cozy in the house. then this morning when the sun came out we went out to clear.

i am looking forward to next winter–hopefully we will get a second snowblower so it won’t take so long.

i’m thinking that work is on for this afternoon. this week my hours went from 20 to 15 to 10 to 5 hopefully! but i got to spend a lot of quiet time the last few days with jeff and that is good. my cold is still hanging on but each day a little better.

i’m looking forward to going shopping tomorrow for clothes for our upcoming cruise–4 weeks from today we will be on our way to boston-miami-eastern caribbean! its beginning to feel real now and i’ve got a little anxiety about it, but i know that it is going to be an awesome vacation and i’m getting excited about it.

So, why do I care?

Camilla, you can block me. You can do whatever, but I think you are missing the whole thing of what I am saying here. I’m trying to say to you that you can do something with your life, but you need to WANT to, and you need to understand that love doesn’t just let people destroy themselves. Your response to me in this tells me a whole lot more. And if we didn’t care about you and your family, do you think we would help you when you are in need or take you and Kenny to Sunday School when it is so many extra miles for us on a Sunday You are missing the whole point here, girlie. As far as sharing not being what you said, would you say that if I shared something like that? Come on, Camilla. You are smarter than that!

But she didn’t get a single line of the part that is italicized. It wouldn’t go through. She had already blocked me.

This is the message that came up:
You cannot reply to this conversation. Either the recipient’s account was disabled or its privacy settings don’t allow replies.

I think about the different ways our lives have been invested in this child and I wonder why I even care. From the very beginning, while her brother showed specific interest, she has steadfastly been difficult. She has tried to turn the hearts of our congregation against one of the other girls that has been coming to Sunday school, and has spread lies about another one. She has been rude and inconsiderate and so often vulgar and greedy and crude. She is a “taker” in every sense of the word.

So, why do I care?

Because, before God, I believe that it all is because of having to live so marginally while being given no hope, no reason to live better or example of the same. And I feel sorry that she took things the wrong way, here, too. Maybe she really doesn’t care, but I think she does.

it would be easier

You would think it would be easier. After all, there have been lots of opportunity to practice saying good-bye to Youngest Daughter over the last few years. She went off to Europe, then to Thailand, then to Guatemala, then to Uganda, and in between all of those escapades, there have been trips and trips and trips — to college and to visit friends and to see brothers and to go to conferences and weddings and such.

She came home last Sunday afternoon. For some reason, she seemed inordinately glad to be home, and she meandered in and out of the house, washing dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning up the messes that were usually left for “later” and organizing what she didn’t know what to do with in little stacks of orderliness. She spent a day helping me with preparing for the upcoming tax filing, and filled the days with studying, coffee runs to Dolce’s, being Auntie to Charis, and just filling our lives with presence.

But Saturday morning, she packed up her bags and headed out. Overnight with Lem and Jess and then back to Ohio.

And this time it was harder again. I have never liked to say goodbye to any of my children, but with all this experience it would seem like it should get easier.

Oddly enough, it still feels hard. And today I feel sad and empty. I’d like to just sleep. But it’s a beautiful day, and a great day for washing sheets from the beds, catching up on laundry and doing all sorts of busy work while my thoughts tumble over each other in a strange, odd mix of ponderings.

I hope everything just goes well

can you tell i didn’t do well on my test today? lol I kinda foreshadowed that on my own…i have to make sure i don’t repeat history tomorrow- I HAVE to do well on that test…anything else is not an option!!!

as if i didnt have enough going…add work into the mix. and what is going on at work today? INVENTORY! great as if its not shitty enough being there- lets make sure I stay there til 1 am so i SURELY bomb my test tomorrow lol…whatever i’m gonna clock my ass out 9:30 on the dot…if they try and make me stay I will quit on the spot…School is waaay more important than some BS job.  yeah so when i came home I had my mom barking at me telling me to make goody bags…Why make such a big deal- when the max number of kids that actually come to our house is like 5???  Seriously…

I hope everything just goes well…I can’t afford for it not to at this point in the game.

relax

i think i need to do that more rather than hang out to spend my time.

i could really use a good massage.  too bad i cant give myself one. lol cuz im pretty darn good.  at least thats what i’ve been told..

i think im gonna check out aromatherapy…they have 30 min relaxation sessions…im gonna head over to huntington village rite now and check it out.  lets see how that goes

i have a mile long migraine..especially hearing people talk shit about me like i spoke about in my last entry…thats just the tip of the iceberg..apparantly i dont go to work either according to this person…Oh really?  Why is it that Im becoming a manager soon?  Because i never go there?  And because i always leave early?  I stay there till 11 sometimes yes helping out and busting my ass..Thats just me..
I dont leave things unfinished…But people can never leave others alone for some strange reason….But that person needs to watch their back for sure…Should they talk to me I WILL spit in their face which is probably the most disrespectful thing to do.  And of this Im fully aware.  That’s the point.  I wish he were a carpet so i could step all over his face.

You are caring

You are caring – care for the ones who deserve it, your mother who needs it, your younger siblings who need it, people who look up to you (and there are many), people in Africa, Palestine; you are not monolithic! You can’t be defined by the present.

You are a once in a century phenomenon. I predict great things for you! Humans are only limited by their ambitions and if you let the people around you box your dreams in, or intimidate you then you will end up being a mirror to them. Remember that confidence is high and so is the person who has it. Say to yourself “I am the best” and know it too!
20 yrs from now when you are 40, why can’t you stand in front of the UN and tell the world they need to stop the wars and pay attention to the children of Africa? Aren’t you the daughter of a Palestinian refugee who had the unique privilege to be brought up in America with acess to the best education in the world? Those of us who are given a chance have an obligation Dust Proof Phone Case..

if not to succeed then at least to try, and at worst to die trying! You went for the stars and even if you didn’t conquer them at least you looked towards the heavens for them. I know you. You can’t see yourself ending like these ordinary people. If you are 40 and you are sewing sweaters for your kid in Charlotte I know for a fact that you would rather kill yourself! They cant see you infront of the UN at 40. “You can’t do it Laila” they say. “You are a mad person Laila! It’s an impossible dream and that’s all it is Dust proof phone case!